(flashback)
on my grade school, i have many playmates but i considered only two of them as my friends. when i was in highschool, i only had 3 and when i was in college, i only had 2. as i recall majority of them were boys.
these are the following reasons why:
1) im way too outspoken.
(- whenever i see something wrong, i tell them straight which often results to me being an outcast or being hated. i do not tolerate inappropriate behaviors. i give out advices and never force them to do so. nobody's perfect and im not trying either. i take risks.)
2) im picky
2) if i dont like someone, ill find my ways to let him/her feel that.
as of now, in my new school (lyceum university) i have none because i am irregular. here, in the internet i have more friends. people who read my blog, comment, people in my forum, my other accounts etc etc etc.
whenever i am at school, im at the back of the room, sitting the canteen reading at the library enjoying the aircon and walking along the corridors or the campus ALL ALONE. and some people i guess curious comes and questions me. some are as follows and in order:
1) is this seat taken? 2) why are you alone? i see you everyday here. (very common) 3) dont you have friends, classmates, tropa or barkada? 4) is this your freetime? 5) do you have boyfriend?
and other reactions would suggest that they pity and for some reason is sad to see my situation. i think they are thinking that im weird, dork and geek which for me serves as a compliment. the next day, they would sit again by my side. i dont know if this is an act of friendliness or pity towards me. anyway, i really dont care much. its better to have a companion than none.
why am i like this. i know very well myself and id like to explain.
when i was a child i was alone. there were no parents physically. either they are at work or at home fighting, shouting and arguing. if they did pay attention to me they either scold me, shoo me away and tell me that im not needed. when i bug them, they give me money and tell me to go to the sari sari store and buy some candy. during those times, i had no siblings too. i had all the toys and candy every child could wish for. play and even talk to a thing that never speaks. when i grew tired and bored of it i threw it away or broke it into pieces. as i think of actions back then- sayang is my reaction. i had my yaya's and helper. every couple of month or so got replaced by another one new. i got to meet strangers in my own house and get to know them. adjust and i even learned from them. ( i learned to drink liquor and smokes from them. green jokes and so on and so forth.) and even up to now, my life is still like that i suppose. i have my brother who dont have a care in the world except to play online games or tv. a still busy mom and dad who doesnt appreciate or notice me. and yes, we still have a helper in the house.
it was hard. i was growing up i had to discipline myself and tell the right from wrong. i had my teachers to help, guide and bear with me. (yes, i had my parents to credit too. they also discipline me in some way or the other.) They hated me by the way. i am bitchy even then.
(flashback again - example)
i ended up strangling my classmates hair and her slapping me in the face in grade 1.
i was scolded by my teacher when i asked my other classmate why she is so malandi when i was in grade two.
when i was in highschool i had frequent bitch fights too where in two or three of my batch mates ended up transferring school. and some other girls crying and miserable because of me.
(i was always the suki of the guidance and principal. my highschool was holy spirit school own, run and lead my a congregation of nuns)
- i am so mean back then, had no manners, no ethics or etiquette. even today, i still have some of that qualities. thank God i am better now and yes! there are so many room for improvement! still striving, improving, learning and maturing.
loneliness? i felt and dealt with it. i have feelings, emotions and a heart where these come from which made it more difficult for me. i had to set my mind to understand why certain things happen to me and somehow i had to put in my mind not to blame anyone or anything.
i turned into friends and made them like my family thinking i could replace that "something" that i was longing for. i was wrong because they took me for granted. they only want me as a playmate, classmate or friends simply because i have what they dont have. they would only remember the name "mapi" when in need of pencil, paper, ballpen, eraser, sharpener, food and of course money.
i soon discovered other means of having that "something" through having boyfriends. it didnt work out either. i dont even want to flashback those embarrassing memories. puppy love. yuck. hahay! :]]
having to experience all of this. i learned to take the pride, be independent and think that i AM alone. stop hoping and relying on others. looking for that "something" which was attention and care.
i dont have to sulk, stuck and be like that. i have to work hard for myself to make me happy or else nobody will. ill be forever miserable and depressed. i said to myself, if other people cannot love and accept me for who i am then i have myself. if other people cant pay attention to me then i can for myself.
i dont have to make other people happy or as miserable as i am to get what i want. i have my own special way of appreciating myself without hurting other people's feelings!
im realized im just a person living. im mingling with other people just like everybody else does so have pakisama. i am given respect as a human being without me asking for it. im born with it and no one can take it from me so i should return the favor to others too.
no, im not makasarili. i know how to appreciate other people too. i give out compliments to those who deserve it. it doesnt mean that i take pride that i have the reason to abuse it to the extent that i cant say the word sorry or cant forgive others who have hurt me as well. nope, too much of it would be my downfall. i very well know that.
happiness is a state of mind, i can never have anything so be content. i dont have to complicate things because life is what i make it. simple.
i am strong to surpass all the given trials and shortcomings in my life. im given a brain where i can think, analyze, process and understand everything that comes to me. i am then given a heart to help me weigh things and decide.
okay now this is getting out of hand. back to the topic! haha!
i have few friends because i am used to being alone, im happy the way i am. im not saying that i dont need them, my point is id like to have few friends that i know real, true and good friends who accepts and respects me rather than fake ones. not the kind that would stab you in the back, never there but are present when they need you.
and yeah, i have my and only boyfriend that makes me happy above all.
i am thankful that they are addition to my happiness. God is so good to me. i had many blessings and so far its outpouring. life is good and i love living every second of it. its not perfect, i know but this is enough. i cant ask for more.
im no loser in this game that we call life, i can make my self a winner regardless whether someone agrees or not.
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